Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Did I mention that my blog sucks. This kind of thing was not supposed to happen to me. I know better than this. I do. I know I do. For God's sake. Wonder if he is mad that I never brought the M. thing up. Well, whatever. He was supposed to be around. I don't know. I can't stand any of these people. Lies...Yes I can. i am in love with a total jerk. ANd it is all my fault. I should leave them to their devices. I should leave-- run into them when I hear that they are married and maybe me too, and then its going to be okay, because i will.................Sleep, please come, please please....please please please please. Why is this so important---cause I never get affection that I want...the person that I want-- never "nice" affection--- usually a prelude to sex....I should go away now...bye
Caustic posted this at 11:44 PM.
fuck. i can't believe that I am awake now. I can't believe that I am mad over this bullshit. Seriously. It makes sense yet it doesn't. I keep telling myself I don't want to be used for some nasty shit-- then bam. I get pissed when I get blown off. Now I know how "super" feels. Rejection is a bitch. Seriously. Its been a while since a man hasn't tried shit with me--- crap- I don't know how to deal with it. all I can do is deal with it. I mean--fuck. At least I have this to vent on. Otherwise I'd be watching tv--- shiiiit. I mean-- noody owes me anything. I bought those tickets to the Concert--- its all good. I wanted to go, I wanted him to go with me---nothing that I regret. I do regret my stupidity all these goddamned months. Doing shit- praying he'd come around-- fuck all that. fuck it. I should be like a guy. Well--- in some ways I am. I am mad right now that I am not having my crap knocked out---hah! yup. Guys always hate that shit. I should have called B. but I don't want to. I do, but I don't. I just hated his selfishness. he wasn't all bad, ya know? No not really. Just arrogant. Just--- not quite what I had in mind. You can never please me--I guess it's true what David says--- there is no substitute for the "tang" you were after. Or being with the person you're after. No one else will do---fuck---do you know that a lot of women would kill to be the position I am in with these fools? S. was going to stab me just so she could be with L. L. is my cast-off! I could care less. I thought he was hot months ago---now that he is there in front of me for the taking, I just could give a damn. Same with inventor--- he is like--hey I got fed, I did this and that--- wow, and the dumb bitch is taking me to a concert. Yeah what the fuck ever. Stupid fucking girl that I am. Now I am an internet loser typing when I should be somewhere with someone who loves me, who will hold me, be affectionate toward me, who will be honest with me, who will claim me--- sad. I can't believe the decision making process I made. Why the hell. Look at me. I'm pretty, smart, fun---- fuck you asshole. Do you know I turned down four people to hang with ypur astoday---this whole thing is bulshit. L had a point. How cruel this world is. I mean for real. Sigh. ywane
Caustic posted this at 11:35 PM.
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
Oh well...I will do it later. The arrogance of the general population amazes me. Okay, in this city, it does. I mean, come on, you'd better be nice to people, cause the little club that you have, and all that type of shit is fleeting, given the fickle nature of us all, pop culture, etc...
Caustic posted this at 3:54 PM.
OKAY, not bad...try again
Caustic posted this at 3:45 PM.
is this going to work...D*** techie crap....I want the template changes to take effect...NOW!!!
Caustic posted this at 3:42 PM.
Thursday, January 31, 2002
Worship this elixir.
HI. I need a nap. I have so much to do, though. "inventor" called. I was floored, but...crap..gotta go. enjoy.
Caustic posted this at 4:39 PM.
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
well...It's some time in the afternoon. It is so quiet here. I am just not interested in looking at this friggin will thing. It's lovely outside. The kind of weather that makes you want to lay/lie ? oustide nude, were you attractive or ballsy enough to do so. So whatever....F*** I want a nap. I have a lot of sh** to finish. I have been ranting about some dumb stuff lately. D. is right about me needing the self-improvement program. Perhaps it is time to get the shi* together, you know, clean room, clean mind...:) Never that.
Caustic posted this at 4:23 PM.
Sunday, January 06, 2002
This stint is almost over..i am getting ansty...one reason, because it is raining and I, poor law student must rely on the freaking metrobus...also, I want some "you know what" and the person has not yet called back. Yesterday I had to be nice because of his family being at the place...but i think i really have beeen a good girl and am entitled to that today, don't you....Naughty girl, go home and read your Evidence...I think its much easier to concentrate on things when you are taken care of. Men lie, they hate aggressive women..they just fantasize about it, until it actually happens. Hello....maybe I am on overdrive..calm yourself down...This reminds me of the deal with L. back in the day...college..ah...we were soooooo insane back then. This may all be moot, because there is a freaking rainstorm and sh**. ALways messes things up! You KNOW school will still be in session..of course:P
Caustic posted this at 4:33 PM.
Caustic posted this at 1:19 PM.
Sunday, January 6, 2002
-I can't believe I have to stay here for four more hours. I really hate the quiet. Actually, it's better then a bunch of a____holes asking me questions I can't answer and then making me pissed off. I was looking up ski clothes on rei.com....Very nice stuff. Weird that I was born in upstate newyork, the land of snow, and I have never been alpine skiing. I only went skiiing once, and that was crosscountry at Lapland. I wonder why he asked me on that ski trip. Was it to "have fun"? Or does he want to see me more often..I heard thunder or something outside...i hope not. I know the weather is supposed to be crazy here. Hope that is a truck or something.
I played pool again at Babe's. i am really into that. Someday, i will have my own pool table, and impress people..I will be the freakin' woman...or not. He kicked my butt at pool, as always. We saw Vanilla Sky too...a lot of what "David Aames" says about Julie Gianni bothered me (she was played by Cameron Diaz). Yeah, she was a nut, and pushy, but he was totally leading her on. Guys are like that. he should have backed off, or hinted he wasn't interersted, or set her up with someone else, instead of screwing her, calling her, accepting the chicjken soup. It made me uncomfortable, because the situation hit home. it made me wonder about tha person sitting next to me. is that what he thinks? The f-buddy concept is quite a weird one. Twisted. But, it takes two. You just don't really like hearing it, even if you know it...Wow..i guess I have been a jackass to men, as well. Hey, i didn't realize that men had feelings like that (no offense), but I thought that they would love the idea of no strings, etc. However, i suppose it goes to show me, that i can't stereotype me. Ulitmately, some of the are tired of "playing the game" and want to have a happy life with that soul mate, etc...it's just frightening to them. Hell, it is to me, but i am more willing to accpet the...no more eww, boy cooties:) Seriously though. i thought I had a fear of committment, but I blame that perception on that fact that i looked at a person and said, "Oh no." that is not what i want for myself, i can't let thigns stay or deterorate into some sh****!@!
Caustic posted this at 1:16 PM.